The Attention Whore & The Banker

Ever have those times where a tidal wave of life lessons just seems to wash over you, relentlessly, so that you can barely catch your breath before the next one comes crashing atop your head?

Melodrama isn’t attractive, but I still indulge in it.

In a round about way, I got another little lesson yesterday afternoon. I have a pretty close friend with whom I exchange emails on a daily basis. A few days passed where he didn’t have the luxury of time to write me, and I didn’t write him (despite having no responsibilities at all that needed tending to and hours and hours that should have been put to better use).

Yesterday afternoon got an email from him with the following (oh, and small preface here: my mantra is “I’m no attention whore, baby!”):

I know you're not an attention whore. You're terribly reciprocal in your correspondence. I don't get a note unless I give one. Fair enough. Keep in mind though that you're welcome to write about the mind minutiae that crops up during your day at the gallery.

Fair enough, indeed.

Got me thinking. Terribly Reciprocal. Shit. He’s right. He’s very, very right. I am so insecure as to offer an explanation for it: I honestly think I’m bothering people when I write emails or phone them, or text them. It’s like I’m demanding that they pay me immediate attention and fulfill my need for validation, and it makes me cringe to do it. Sad thing is, I know it’s not the most emotionally mature of perspectives, but it’s the same one I’ve had since I was four and it’s gonna take a lot of work to break from it. The odd thing is, I’m so fucking delighted to hear from other people. I don’t attribute delight to their hearing from me, however….Whatever. It’s stupid and it’s all mine.

Small life lesson you say? Haha! There is much more to it than that. His email followed immediately on the heels of my having read the following passage from Reflections on the Art of Living: A Joseph Campbell Companion:

“The Christian interpretation is one of debt and payment. Paul was preaching to a group of merchants, who understood the whole mystery in terms of economics: there is a debt, and you get an equivalent payment. The debt is enormous, so the payment has to be enormous. That is all bankers’ thinking. Christianity is caught up in that.” (p. 145)

(The passage actually pertains to the idea of redemption, the fall, and the cherubim guarding the entrance to the Garden of Eden. Christians take it literally, Buddhist’s take it metaphorically, interpreting it as a psychological transformation. I feel like I ought to put it in its true context, but it doesn’t mean I can’t extrapolate what I *need* from it.)

And what I did get out of it is this: I’ve got a Banker mentality, too boot! Double Whammy. Dude, this sucks. I’m all about the Tit for Tat, debt & payment, logging of accounts. I’ve got to break out of the banking box and just start bloody giving already, without keeping tally. I do that in other aspects of my life (I treat, I spot, I listen, I blah, blah, blah…and I rationalize and justify) - but apparently I can’t do that in my correspondence (or my phone calls).

So Tidal Wave of Life Lessons, thanks. Thanks, no, really thank you. I’ve learned something else today. It’s not the prettiest of truths to learn, but damnit, I needed the lesson. :D

If you try sometimes, you just might find...

Actually, had the coolest experience the other day. Despite the coolness of said experience, the day itself was pretty mundane, nothing bad and nothing good happened, it just sort of was. My mood, however, was uber crappy.

I got news that another friend of mine was moving. That makes three in the last two weeks who have solidified plans to leave. I don't have abandonment issues but for some reason it hit me full force that the people I love are not going to be around and I hate that. Worse, I decided to open up an email from my brother with a bunch of new pictures of him playing: in the studio, on stage, etc. and there was one of him back from 1978, an old black and white photo of this beautiful little boy in overalls climbing up on a stool, looking at me with the sweetest expression and I literally started to cry. In the middle of the gallery I started to choke for air. And then the tears flowed. Amazing that my mascara didn't run (I'm such a girl sometimes). I texted him that I loved him and missed him. He texted back that he loved and missed me, too. And the only thing I could think of in response was that I wanted a hug from him. And seconds later, from a thousand miles away, my brother texted me the best hug I've ever had. Odd as it sounds, I could actually feel his arms around me. Okay, even thinking of it now my eyes are starting to well up. Fuck.

I have a tendency to write things down to get my emotions out. No one ever reads the crap I spew, it's just stream of consciousness stuff anyway, but it at least lets me get the garbage out of my system before it starts to rot inside. I typed just moments later that I was in such need of some human warmth at that moment that I was tempted to accost the next man who walked in the gallery and ask him for a hug (I didn't need a feminine comfort, I needed something masculine). About thirty minutes later a man does come into the gallery.

Do you ever encounter people where you just know they're good and there's an energy about them that immediately makes you comfortable? That was this guy's energy. Older, short, balding, merry bright blue eyes, lithe, easy smile, open. I was still in a mood and responded to his questions flippantly. He picked up on it, asked why, and I told him straight out I was just a liar, that nothing out of my mouth was true and that frankly he should be suspect of anything I said. Granted I said it with a smirk. He told me that was the most honest thing I could have said in the moment and that seemed to break me in half. The rest of the twenty minutes we spent talking were amazing. We exchanged information as he'll be back in a few weeks and wanted to catch up with me then. As he turned to leave, he stopped turned around and opened his arms. A long, strong, heart felt hug. Nothing sexual, just this really genuine warmth. It took me several hours to put it together, but it did occur to me that I actually got what I needed the moment I needed it (being held) but only after I had actually admitted that I needed it.

It felt profound. I'm reading "Reflections on the Art of Living" which is a compilation of Joseph Campbell's stuff. The combination of the hug and the reading have got my head in a spin...

I wonder if this is an indication of my state of mind at the moment, but what comes to mind are the words of the devilish prophet himself, Mick J.... "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." And yes, in my head, the words are accompanied by a lithesomely prepubescent boys choir.

Time to beg the doctor to put me on some sort of meds, don't you think?

Ruminations....

I recently had a friend ask a few questions that gave me pause for thought. It’s been a while since I’ve had to articulate some of the more meta values in my life; I couldn’t pass it up. For what it’s worth, this is what I managed to convey. Forgive the Q&A format – I couldn’t interrupt its natural flow.

I had one of those little ah-ha moments the other evening, and it's an old idea, one that every one knows but that I'd forgotten: Follow Your Bliss. Felt amazing to really embrace the idea, and then disaster struck when I realized I haven't the foggiest clue what my bliss is. It's a mission statement of sorts, one that never fails to inspire and resonate as absolute truth - it's just a bit of a challenge when one hasn't figured out what brings their bliss (I fall into that category).

Whatever that bliss is, though, you ought to take advantage of every opportunity to bring yourself closer to what you love to do.

You never know what kind of people you'll meet who will be happy to help you further down the road to meet your dreams. You never know what kind of experiences you'll have that will open your eyes to some of the pitfalls of your aspirations, or the advantages you never knew about.

Q. What are some interests or goals that you are working towards right now?

My goals have changed over the years - have diversified, have faded, have morphed into things I never imagined I'd do. I'm waiting for the Foreign Service to come through because I'd like to experience life abroad on a more permanent basis again. I miss the lifestyle I grew up in and I want it back - so the FS is a means of getting closer to it.

I dream of writing a book - what kind of book I haven't any idea - but the notion of putting words to paper that carry meaning, that will have impact, that will be like a child (a legacy) means everything to me. I've tried to get into workshops but have struggled to make schedules mesh. It's something I ought to prioritize, and I will eventually, but I kick myself every day that passes and I haven't made a step toward becoming a proper author.

I want to find clarity and someone to share it with - but that goal is incredibly elusive and it requires the happy participation of a second party (partner) over whom I have little to no influence and I'm honestly trying to figure out how much of a priority/goal it really is.

Q. How does motivation change over the years?

I don't know how it is for most people, but for me it became not about the accomplishment aspect but about the quality of the experience. I approached activities, things, people more in a way of making the encounter as rich as possible instead of just ticking off the experience as something I've done and not really mining it for all it was worth. I suppose my motivation has become about quality rather than quantity (although you never really divorce yourself from the notion of racking up as many interesting experiences as possible). As motivation shifts, so do priorities, and as with all things, they can evolve into things we can't imagine.

My motivation has changed from having glamorous things and stories to share (experiences) into being more concerned with being content, sleeping soundly at night, sharing intimacy and true connection with the people I love, solidifying friendships, being able to recognize my feelings and desires and being able to satisfy those wants and needs. I've become selfish in a different kind of way (I think we all remain selfish, but the nature of the selfishness changes, if that makes any sense) that feels richer and less concerned about outward appearances (getting outside validation - validation from others) and more satisfyingly self-centric (becoming more real to myself, becoming more familiar with how I work, becoming more grounded and centered). Perhaps that's an aspect of motivation as well....but it certainly is something I've noticed and found important.

Q. What is the next thing you look forward to, or do you feel you've plateaued and are now looking for something new?

Have I plateaued? Sure have. Am I frustrated by it? Of course. It's something that gnaws at me every day. I'm certainly looking for something new. I do believe there are times in your life when you'll need to do some serious reflection - the past year has been one of those times for me - and although it's proved fruitful in some cases, there is still more I need to figure out. Those moments of reflection are little plateaus, and they're important to prepare you for the next uphill climb. I'm not angry that they exist, I'm grateful because I've found value in being able to appreciate what is rather than feeling obligated to change it.