The Attention Whore & The Banker

Ever have those times where a tidal wave of life lessons just seems to wash over you, relentlessly, so that you can barely catch your breath before the next one comes crashing atop your head?

Melodrama isn’t attractive, but I still indulge in it.

In a round about way, I got another little lesson yesterday afternoon. I have a pretty close friend with whom I exchange emails on a daily basis. A few days passed where he didn’t have the luxury of time to write me, and I didn’t write him (despite having no responsibilities at all that needed tending to and hours and hours that should have been put to better use).

Yesterday afternoon got an email from him with the following (oh, and small preface here: my mantra is “I’m no attention whore, baby!”):

I know you're not an attention whore. You're terribly reciprocal in your correspondence. I don't get a note unless I give one. Fair enough. Keep in mind though that you're welcome to write about the mind minutiae that crops up during your day at the gallery.

Fair enough, indeed.

Got me thinking. Terribly Reciprocal. Shit. He’s right. He’s very, very right. I am so insecure as to offer an explanation for it: I honestly think I’m bothering people when I write emails or phone them, or text them. It’s like I’m demanding that they pay me immediate attention and fulfill my need for validation, and it makes me cringe to do it. Sad thing is, I know it’s not the most emotionally mature of perspectives, but it’s the same one I’ve had since I was four and it’s gonna take a lot of work to break from it. The odd thing is, I’m so fucking delighted to hear from other people. I don’t attribute delight to their hearing from me, however….Whatever. It’s stupid and it’s all mine.

Small life lesson you say? Haha! There is much more to it than that. His email followed immediately on the heels of my having read the following passage from Reflections on the Art of Living: A Joseph Campbell Companion:

“The Christian interpretation is one of debt and payment. Paul was preaching to a group of merchants, who understood the whole mystery in terms of economics: there is a debt, and you get an equivalent payment. The debt is enormous, so the payment has to be enormous. That is all bankers’ thinking. Christianity is caught up in that.” (p. 145)

(The passage actually pertains to the idea of redemption, the fall, and the cherubim guarding the entrance to the Garden of Eden. Christians take it literally, Buddhist’s take it metaphorically, interpreting it as a psychological transformation. I feel like I ought to put it in its true context, but it doesn’t mean I can’t extrapolate what I *need* from it.)

And what I did get out of it is this: I’ve got a Banker mentality, too boot! Double Whammy. Dude, this sucks. I’m all about the Tit for Tat, debt & payment, logging of accounts. I’ve got to break out of the banking box and just start bloody giving already, without keeping tally. I do that in other aspects of my life (I treat, I spot, I listen, I blah, blah, blah…and I rationalize and justify) - but apparently I can’t do that in my correspondence (or my phone calls).

So Tidal Wave of Life Lessons, thanks. Thanks, no, really thank you. I’ve learned something else today. It’s not the prettiest of truths to learn, but damnit, I needed the lesson. :D