If you try sometimes, you just might find...
Actually, had the coolest experience the other day. Despite the coolness of said experience, the day itself was pretty mundane, nothing bad and nothing good happened, it just sort of was. My mood, however, was uber crappy.
I got news that another friend of mine was moving. That makes three in the last two weeks who have solidified plans to leave. I don't have abandonment issues but for some reason it hit me full force that the people I love are not going to be around and I hate that. Worse, I decided to open up an email from my brother with a bunch of new pictures of him playing: in the studio, on stage, etc. and there was one of him back from 1978, an old black and white photo of this beautiful little boy in overalls climbing up on a stool, looking at me with the sweetest expression and I literally started to cry. In the middle of the gallery I started to choke for air. And then the tears flowed. Amazing that my mascara didn't run (I'm such a girl sometimes). I texted him that I loved him and missed him. He texted back that he loved and missed me, too. And the only thing I could think of in response was that I wanted a hug from him. And seconds later, from a thousand miles away, my brother texted me the best hug I've ever had. Odd as it sounds, I could actually feel his arms around me. Okay, even thinking of it now my eyes are starting to well up. Fuck.
I have a tendency to write things down to get my emotions out. No one ever reads the crap I spew, it's just stream of consciousness stuff anyway, but it at least lets me get the garbage out of my system before it starts to rot inside. I typed just moments later that I was in such need of some human warmth at that moment that I was tempted to accost the next man who walked in the gallery and ask him for a hug (I didn't need a feminine comfort, I needed something masculine). About thirty minutes later a man does come into the gallery.
Do you ever encounter people where you just know they're good and there's an energy about them that immediately makes you comfortable? That was this guy's energy. Older, short, balding, merry bright blue eyes, lithe, easy smile, open. I was still in a mood and responded to his questions flippantly. He picked up on it, asked why, and I told him straight out I was just a liar, that nothing out of my mouth was true and that frankly he should be suspect of anything I said. Granted I said it with a smirk. He told me that was the most honest thing I could have said in the moment and that seemed to break me in half. The rest of the twenty minutes we spent talking were amazing. We exchanged information as he'll be back in a few weeks and wanted to catch up with me then. As he turned to leave, he stopped turned around and opened his arms. A long, strong, heart felt hug. Nothing sexual, just this really genuine warmth. It took me several hours to put it together, but it did occur to me that I actually got what I needed the moment I needed it (being held) but only after I had actually admitted that I needed it.
It felt profound. I'm reading "Reflections on the Art of Living" which is a compilation of Joseph Campbell's stuff. The combination of the hug and the reading have got my head in a spin...
I wonder if this is an indication of my state of mind at the moment, but what comes to mind are the words of the devilish prophet himself, Mick J.... "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." And yes, in my head, the words are accompanied by a lithesomely prepubescent boys choir.
Time to beg the doctor to put me on some sort of meds, don't you think?
I got news that another friend of mine was moving. That makes three in the last two weeks who have solidified plans to leave. I don't have abandonment issues but for some reason it hit me full force that the people I love are not going to be around and I hate that. Worse, I decided to open up an email from my brother with a bunch of new pictures of him playing: in the studio, on stage, etc. and there was one of him back from 1978, an old black and white photo of this beautiful little boy in overalls climbing up on a stool, looking at me with the sweetest expression and I literally started to cry. In the middle of the gallery I started to choke for air. And then the tears flowed. Amazing that my mascara didn't run (I'm such a girl sometimes). I texted him that I loved him and missed him. He texted back that he loved and missed me, too. And the only thing I could think of in response was that I wanted a hug from him. And seconds later, from a thousand miles away, my brother texted me the best hug I've ever had. Odd as it sounds, I could actually feel his arms around me. Okay, even thinking of it now my eyes are starting to well up. Fuck.
I have a tendency to write things down to get my emotions out. No one ever reads the crap I spew, it's just stream of consciousness stuff anyway, but it at least lets me get the garbage out of my system before it starts to rot inside. I typed just moments later that I was in such need of some human warmth at that moment that I was tempted to accost the next man who walked in the gallery and ask him for a hug (I didn't need a feminine comfort, I needed something masculine). About thirty minutes later a man does come into the gallery.
Do you ever encounter people where you just know they're good and there's an energy about them that immediately makes you comfortable? That was this guy's energy. Older, short, balding, merry bright blue eyes, lithe, easy smile, open. I was still in a mood and responded to his questions flippantly. He picked up on it, asked why, and I told him straight out I was just a liar, that nothing out of my mouth was true and that frankly he should be suspect of anything I said. Granted I said it with a smirk. He told me that was the most honest thing I could have said in the moment and that seemed to break me in half. The rest of the twenty minutes we spent talking were amazing. We exchanged information as he'll be back in a few weeks and wanted to catch up with me then. As he turned to leave, he stopped turned around and opened his arms. A long, strong, heart felt hug. Nothing sexual, just this really genuine warmth. It took me several hours to put it together, but it did occur to me that I actually got what I needed the moment I needed it (being held) but only after I had actually admitted that I needed it.
It felt profound. I'm reading "Reflections on the Art of Living" which is a compilation of Joseph Campbell's stuff. The combination of the hug and the reading have got my head in a spin...
I wonder if this is an indication of my state of mind at the moment, but what comes to mind are the words of the devilish prophet himself, Mick J.... "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." And yes, in my head, the words are accompanied by a lithesomely prepubescent boys choir.
Time to beg the doctor to put me on some sort of meds, don't you think?
posted by annaghela at 12:25 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home