Masochism 101

A recent conversation about plain ole’ stubborn grips on old belief systems has me pensive, yet again.

It’s difficult to have a conversation with anyone who is married to a particular set of beliefs, granted I prove just as obstinate as the next person when my way of thinking is questioned. In an ideal world we’d all have enough patience to let someone actually share their paradigm, listen, think about it, and *then* proceed with caution to rip ‘em apart and shatter the other person’s world view.

I think we initially reject any bit of information that counters our preformed notion of what the world is – automatic rejection. It’s almost instinctual. There's a phenomenon with a particular name (wish I could remember it, I also wish I weren’t so lazy as to not look it up) where we all hunt down info to lend credit to our already established beliefs - reinforcement, if you will - that seems hardwired in human nature. It does boil down to fear - or monumental ego in some cases - that what we've given purpose to is really a figment of our imagination. I'm scared shitless that my entire life will have been pointless (that whatever causes or pursuits I've spent energy on). The last few years I've been mired in an existential crisis, trying to find meaning in anything, realizing that only I can give meaning/importance to something, and finding that more often than not, I haven't valued my opinion enough to believe that something I make matter actually matters. It's a depressing thought. The realization scared me to the core. I remember sitting outside a coffee shop with my best friend and having that little tid bit dawn on me. The floodgates opened, and I spent an August afternoon crying my heart out. There are times when it still pierces me and I ache...Why would anyone want to feel that way when they can avoid the whole crisis by *not* testing their beliefs? There's a masochistic streak in those of us who want the puzzle to make sense.

Now if the masochism would bring me a little pleasure instead of pain.

The masochist says to the sadist, "Hit me." The sadist says, "No."

See! The old adage just proves my point – the initial reaction is always negative…